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United States of Nadia • Chapter Two

It's that time of the month again!

I'm not pregnant and another chapter of United States of Nadia is here!

Hope you all enjoyed last week's climaxing adventure. I know it has been hard waiting for the next installment!



In case you missed Chapter one ...read it here!

United States of Nadia

Chapter Two: Number 38

Gia snorts as she belly-laughs about the story I tell her as I season the chicken breasts in the glass pan. She's heard it a million times but finds it just as hilarious as the first time my mom told it to her.

"I just can't! What are the odds?!" Gia blurts between guffaws.

I put the hand-written recipe back in the 1950's recipe box.

After the ingredients, I've got the instructions for cooking great-grandma's "Make 'Er Water Break Chicken" memorized.

"My great-grandma was an intuitive woman. What can I say?"

"It's just unbelievable that literally the night your mom cooked this family recipe, she went into labor with you!" Gia claps her hands with amusement.

"I always said they should patent the recipe and make billions."

"Oh my god! Just imagine the commercials!" Gia puts on a stereotypical male announcer's voice.

"Is your woman about to explode? Do you feel like you're sleeping with Moby Dick? Well, try 'Make 'Er Water Break Chicken Seasoning' tonight! You won't be disappointed! Maybe just a little wet...and not in the good way. There she blows!"

I roll my eyes at her, trying to contain my laughter. "Gross." I break a smile.

"I don't know what's worse: your commercial voice or the fact that that was the worst marketing you've ever created." She shoves my shoulder, making me nearly fall into the oven as I try to place the chicken inside.

"Hey. I'm not trying to be a bitch but after we eat, I'm gonna hit the hay. Long day tomorrow. You should probably get to bed early, too. Wouldn't want to miss your six-a.m. flight."

"Shit. You're probably right."

"Aren't I always?" Gia smirks.


After a delicious, nostalgic meal, we part our ways and go to our very different bedrooms. Gia's is full of jewel-toned fabrics and yoga posters, while mine looks like a Joanna Gaines wet-dream. Drifting off, I think about my next venture.

I wonder if I'll secure number thirty-eight...

It's been a few weeks since my trip to Georgia, and I've since been to Oregon and Iowa. Something about Kentucky is different though. I've been here a lot, just have never sealed the deal here. It was a short flight; only 30 minutes from Chicago to Lexington. It almost felt ridiculous taking a plane, but I sold my car when I moved to Chicago with Gia. Stepping out into the parking lot, I notice the sweet smell in the air.

Ahh, the memories.

When I was a little girl, my parents would drive us down from Champagne, Illinois to stay at the Mammoth Cave State Park every summer. If it weren't for the humidity, Kentucky would be a nice place to live. It's so humid, though, that it could moisten a nun's nether region.

After finding my rental car, I start driving towards Frankfort. I blast Spice Girls and do my best Posh Spice impression, clawing with my imaginary press-on nails at the cars in front of me.

Gia was always Ginger Spice and even dyed her hair red with a blond streak in the front once. I, on the other hand, always played Posh Spice- elegant, sophisticated, little-black-dress-wearing Posh- even though I'm totally more of a Baby Spice...I like to think I've changed some in my 20s. I definitely am the more serious one in our business, and I definitely know how to get what I want.

I'm actually not here on business, though, despite what Gia may think. My childhood crush from the many summers at Mammoth Cave contacted me and wanted to meet up.

It's been 12 years since I've seen him; the last time being a complete disaster. We were 16 and it was probably going to be our last summer at the cave together. His family always came at the same time ours did, but they decided that the kids were getting too old.

Jason and I were hiking on one of the many trails, when he suddenly kissed me. I was shocked, but enthralled. I had waited so many summers for that kiss.

We started making out and before I knew it, my hand was down his pants. I had no idea what I was doing, but apparently I was chafing the hell out of him, so he grabbed my hand and said, "Nadia, it's okay. You don't have to do that." I could've died right then and there. We moped back awkwardly to the camp site without a word.

My phone buzzes as I pull up to the Airbnb.

That gives me -- I look down at my analog watch and do some quick math (damn time changes) -- about an hour and a half to unpack, drink a mimosa (thank you, Super Host), and practice what I want to say when I first see Jason.

Wearing high-waisted, light-wash jeans and a yellow crop top, I approach the walkway leading to the waterfall. I see Jason and surprisingly feel comforted. He's smiling his goofy grin and reaching out for a hug.

"Naughty Nadia! It's been WAY to long."

He gave me that nickname even before we kissed that one summer. He grabs me around the waist, picks me up, and twirls me around. I can't help but laugh. We've obviously talked off and on since our last...escapade...but I forgot how silly he is in person.

"Well, what do you say we take on one of these trails, Naughty?"

"Leggo!" I shout, as I place one hand on my hip and point the other towards a trail opening. Cool first words, Nadia…

An hour and lots of conversation later, Jason and I stop in a deep part of the woods. I'm officially sweating from the humidity, so I fling my hair up in a loose bun. We sit next to each other on a log and he moves a piece of hair that I missed off my neck. His touch sends shivers down my spine.

"Missed one."

"Thanks." The old me -- Baby Spice me—blushes at his touch.

He admits, "I'm so glad you're here. I've thought about you off-and-on over the years and how I totally left things on the wrong note. I'm sorry about--"

"Stop. Really, Jason. It's okay." I smile and think back to how innocent and naive I was so many years ago. "We were young, dumb, and I was inexperienced." He laughs when I say ‘inexperienced’ and I almost get offended.


"You weren't the only inexperienced one." Now he’s blushing. "The reason I abruptly stopped you that day in the woods is because I was nervous. I'd only ever kissed a girl and having you touch me down there was intense, especially because you were...are...so beautiful."

He leans in. "May I?" Initiate Posh Spice. I nod.

We kiss slowly until my heart beats faster. All the butterflies come back, and I can't help but push my body closer into his. I run my fingers through his sandy blonde hair, pulling him into me more. We are breathing harder and harder, when I suddenly stop and look him in his dark brown eyes.

"Can I try again?"


"You know..." I glide my hand up his thigh.

"Oooh. That!" He adjusts himself so his hard penis is more visible through his shorts. "If that's, uh, what you want to do." He looks around nervously.

"Don't worry. If anyone is coming, it's going to be you."

I stand up in front of him and undo the button and zipper on his green khaki shorts. His gray boxer briefs are stretched to capacity over his erection, so I pull it out to relieve some tension. He's already throbbing in anticipation. I start with my hand, gripping him, but not too tightly, and start at the base. I slowly move my hand up and down, periodically squeezing harder to emulate the pulses between a woman’s legs.

"How does it feel?"

"Oh, wow. You know what you're doing, babe."

I smile up at him. "This is just the beginning."

I continue with my hand job and add the warmth and wetness of my lips. He flinches in ecstasy and grips the log beneath him. His head falls back as I slowly take him in deeper. I synchronize my mouth with my hand and pause to circle the head with my tongue, then take all of him in after teasing him for a few seconds.

"Holy shit, Naughty, keep going."

Just to tease him even more, I come up and kiss him, using the same circular technique with his tongue. I slide back down slowly, gazing up at him with eager eyes. He's still throbbing when I wrap my lips back around his dick. I move faster and faster until he suddenly grabs my hair.

"Fuck, Naughty!"

"Mmm. You like that?"

"No! Person! Coming!" He pulls me off of him and quickly zips up his shorts. I jump to sit beside him to pretend like nothing was happening. My hair is in an even messier bun and his face is bright red. We sure don't look innocent.

An elderly woman, maybe in her 70s, waves at us and shouts, "Lovely day for a walk in the park! You two kids behave now, ya hear?" I swear she winks at me before turning around to continue her hike. Jason and I burst out laughing once she is out of view.

Jason is the first to speak. "Damn. That was a close one."

"What? Getting caught or your orgasm?"

"Very funny." Jason gives me a side-eye.

"Let's get out of here. We can order pizza at my Airbnb and watch stupid shows on Netflix. I hear there's a new series about a flamboyant tiger-owner and a murderous wife."

My cheeks hurt from laughing. My stomach hurts from consuming too much pepperoni pizza. But that doesn't stop me from pursuing my goal. I glance over at my planner lying on the counter and eye today's date: Saturday, June 4. The only thing written in the small square is Kentucky, 6 a.m, but I plan on changing that right now. While Jason is distracted by the atrocity on the TV, I slip away into the tiny bedroom, get naked, and reappear in the doorway.


Jason turns around on the couch and his mouth drops. "What are you doing?" he asks in amazement.

"Hopefully you." I reply.

He fumbles with the remote and practically runs to me. He's undressed in less than a minute, practically tripping out of his shorts. He slams the door behind him, picks me up, and tosses me on the bed.

“Man. When I nicknamed you Naughty Nadia, I had no idea you’d live up to it one day.”

Just like in the park, we kiss heavily, sweating, but this time we don't have to worry about Grandma Hiker. He rolls over and pulls me on top of him. My Victoria Beckham is in full swing as I slide down onto him...

And tonight, is the night when 2 become 1...

...or 38.

- E.Z. Ryder

Next chapter, cuming, April 23.

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